jjjaelkw

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 16:50:24 GMT

thank God for brothers:D

pain like crap!

trust you God:)

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 04:58:24 GMT

having had 2 days alone to think through everything,

i realised how stupid we all are. or at least realised how stupid i think we all are. haha. please let me justify myself.

many of us hate change, don't we. yet change is what brings us to God. change is what pushes us out of our comfort zones into the unknown.

yet there's one common thing in all these unknowns. the only common thing.

God.

so we don't want to find God, do we?

we just want to remain with a few friends, do the things we like, bunk in with the people we can relate to.

which isn't wrong. i like it too. not that what i like really matters but.. you get the point. it's not wrong.

yet that just shows how selfish we are. we aren't willing to sacrifice our comfort to achieve higher plans. we aren't willing to sacrifice our security in ourselves, in those we know for the security in Christ.

i believe you've realised in that two sentences how stupidly selfish we are.

we are selfish, that's bad. and by being selfish we miss out on something better, miss out on something greater. someone who's above all.

we find security in having others come crying to us and us just comforting them.

yet we aren't able to point them to Christ. we aren't able to help them grow by speaking truths, God truths even into their lives. we just make those who're mourning feel better by telling them that they did no wrong. how perfect they are. and behind their back we kill them. we all know that it takes 2 hands to clap.

due to time constraints i'd like to just paint this picture of what i've reflected us to be.

a stuffed toy.

pretty on the outside, nothing on the inside.

*disclaimer: author's pov only :P

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 05:58:33 GMT

i entered cell camp terribly.

the first 2 days kept me busy, kept my thoughts distracted, just focusing on how God would lead me during the cell camp and running the programmes.

when the time came to sleep, i slept with work undone, basically knocked out. so with that i had no time to think! haha.

then came third day. no programmes, not much duties that day other than to facilitate some stuff.

and it struck. i was having time alone with God seeking not about camp but about my own life. and yeah it was painful. i've never ever broken down like that infront of people before. eventually managed to control myself, and was distracted with prep. for some events after. night came, after sharing with the camp comm about sacrifice, about standing up, about making impact, about doing what you need to do even though you know that it'd lead to gossips, back stabbing etc etc. i shared with them about my life too. some of it. and i quickly ended the session and dismissed them. and it came back again, although thank God responsibilities put my mind right back into focus:)

camp was awesome in many areas. i know that God's hand was over our camp. so many things went wrong but i know that God was in control.

prayerful lifestyle, being directed by God is a great thing. pity i only really practised that on the last day itself. but i've learnt:) and i couldn't ask for more.

we did achieve the goal of bonding. seeing how walls broke down, seeing how quiet people started being involved. i'm amazed by what God can do:)

young ones rising up, showing how they are so willing to contribute, showing their awesome heart. even when no one was looking. it really touches me:)

so many more. many many more. i couldn't thank God for a better camp.

gotten through cell camp, time to get through the weekend!

looking forward to P6 cell, time to start leading.

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 15:57:49 GMT

in the midst of all the ministries and all, i think i've lost God. or rather, i've let go of God. time to rediscover:) how to, i don't know!! thinking of dropping, but see how God leads:)

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:33:04 GMT

after 6 locked posts i decided to post a public one! haha!

this week's taught me polarity :P HAHA. it's been fun! crazy! but also stupid and slow and draggy. haha! but it's been a good week:)

tomorrow's time to think futuristically! anyway yesterday night stayed over at ernest's house. to watch futuristic movies!

so before that we went to buy cds to watch.

then i picked out 12 monkeys and sky captain and the something of tomorrow thinking it was FUTURISTIC.

then when we got to the house and we played it and it showed what lousy quality. they were like. duh, it's a 199+ movie. HAHA. then i was like why didn't you tell me!

so we ended up just watching i robot + star wars 1 & 3. WATCHING MOVIES IS SUPER TIRING. haha.

and played cards.

went to sleep, woke up mid of night. couldn't really sleep, mind kinda filled. haha.

so to empty it i slept on my side in the hope that everything would exit by my ear :P KIDDING.

cell dress up day on saturday!
i'm kinda glad not to be there actually HAHA. i don't mind looking retarded, but the PHOTOS i dread like crazyy. hate photos man!
but yeah i'd love to see c3 dress up as typical stmargs i mean typical nerds right jayna tan.
aiya but actually dunmanhigh can also fit the "nerd" theme, just couldn't get enough of dhs uniforms in time!!

HAHA.

i'm looking forward to next mon!:)

i'm glad i won't be expected to taste my own cooking... right? haha.

k that's all!:) till the next public post HAHA.

jae.

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:59:02 GMT

to all those out there who seek acceptance and true love,

turn to Jesus:)

Jesus loves you this i know,
for the Bible tells me so
little ones to Him belong,
we are weak but He is strong.

yes, Jesus loves me
yes, Jesus loves me.
yes, Jesus loves me,
for the Bible tells me so

:)

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 14:31:13 GMT

never realised keeping a smile was so tiring
never knew listening was so draining
never knew people could change
never understood what friendship was
never understood what trusting was
never felt so lost
never felt so dead

i stand and worship You,
and all goes away

but when i look at people again,
people i love,
people i know,
people i knew.

when i think of them

i don't know what to do

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 13:10:10 GMT

I NEED STRENGTH!

i understand how you feel now vic.

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:30:14 GMT

The little girl paced up and down the hallroom, face filled with glee. "papa, papa, is it time yet?" "soon, soon my precious," replied her father.

The doors creaked opened, and out came the mum from a 8 hour operation after suffering a car accident. "Sir, we did the best we could, but she will be paralyzed from the waist down from now on. We'll have to keep her in here for a couple more days, just to ensure that everything's running alright." That was more, than the little girl and her father could ever ask for. Hot tears filled with joy rolled down their cheeks, for different reasons. The father was just so glad to have the love of his life back at his side once again, while the little girl was just happy to have back her playmate.

It's been ten years since that day, the little girl no more little in the eyes of the world.

"Mama, don't touch my hair! i took like 5 hours to finish braiding it! can you please, show me some respect? i'm no longer the little girl i was. you've gotta let me have my freedom!" with that, she stormed out of the house, slamming the door behind her.

The mum smiled to her husband,saying "she'll get over it soon. she still is the same little girl i've always had."

"She is, she is. seems littler than she was, throwing more tantrums and fits than before. less crying, but more anger." chuckles her father.

that faithful night, when the little girl rushed to the hospital, she crumbled to her knees right beside her dad.

just like after the first operation, hot tears flowed down their cheeks. the father with sorrow at having lost his love, the daughter with regret.

the tears washed away all the anger, all the hatred, all the distrust.

"daughter, this is what you momma had always said. you're still the same little girl she had always had. the same little girl she had played with, had laughed with, had cried with, had partied with. and she loves you no matter what you've done. she loves you no matter how much you didn't recognise her sacrifices for you. she loved you unconditionally, she never held anything against you." chocking back his tears, the father continued,

"daughter, mom had always loved you right from the start. you were her precious jewel, you were the pride of her life, the joy that filled her days, she loved you, she loves you."

father and daughter cried by each other that night, wondering whether the night was ever going to end, wondering whether God was hearing their cries. "Dad, can you tell me more about this Jesus that mum always talked about?"

that question, brought unimaginable amounts of joy into the father's heart, in a night filled with helplessness and immense sorrow.

"and at the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?"-- which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" mark 15:34

the death of her mum was painful, definately painful. but it washed away the insecurities, it washed away the anger, the hatred. it brought love into the family, it brought harmony.

just like how the blood of Jesus on that Cross washed away all our sins. One day, one day. Believers and non believers alike will bow down and cry out to Jesus.

live life with no regrets.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 16:04:02 GMT

words can never express my gratitude, my appreciation for any of you.

marc,
even though you'd probably never see this. thank you for being a role model to me, someone i really look up to. even though we lead such different lives, i know we're so much the same in many ways more than one. the way we speak, the way we act are already so similar in some ways despite the fact that we never had much interaction. thank you for taking steps to build relationships with me, mummy, daddy, zac, even when all of us were so distant from each other. even though it's a huge uphill task to bring everyone together due to the many years of emotional separation, i don't believe in impossibilities. just like how you've reached out first and reached for me, i will do the same to zac. or zac to me. thank you for making home a much safer place whenever you're around. you're an irreplacable older brother, someone whom i know, i know. will achieve great things. i know.

zac,
i don't think you'll ever see this. haha. less chance than marc:P but at times you really act much more mature than me. you teach me how to love, how to care. teach me how to give, how to forgive. you're a little bro i'm really proud of, even though i find it so hard to verbalize that and tell you how proud and happy i am to have you as a little bro. i'm truly not a worthy reflection of who you are, i have a long way to go. i see you growing up and i know that i've been a bad influence to you, i know that i'm one of the reasons why you haven't been able to reach your full potential. and i really regret. but i believe in you. i really do.

mum,
i'm sorry for being such a lousy son. honestly, i know what a lousy child i am. i've always wanted to change. always. ever since p5, i always promised myself that i'd change. and i would. for 1 or 2 days. and i just let myself go back to normal again. i always tell myself how you or daddy don't understand me, but i realised that's because i havent allowed you to. time and again you've tried to reach out to me but i just rejected you time and again. i will change. i have to. and i promise it'll last this time. thank you for always forgiving me, always still loving me.you were right in saying i'm ungrateful in the past. i truly was. i was rude. i had a bad attitude. i was cold. quiet. uncaring. i had my reasons, i wouldn't say they were all invalid. but i'm sorry. cause i was truly, the key problem.

dad,
i've always looked up to you. i don't know what to say. you've just started to build relationships with me. and you've no idea how much it touches me. i was always happy to be able to talk to you. you and mummy.. are still stuck in the traditional ways. you show me love through providing me with the best that you can offer. thank you.

abby,
thank you for being a sister to me. one who wants the best for me. one who believes in me. many times you showed me how i was truly acting, how immature i was, how foolish i was, and you showed me the way back to God! and you were the only one who truly cared enough to always point me back to Jesus. always. thank you for being real, being honest. thank you for having taken time to talk to me, spend time with me. you're true family to me:)

victoria,
thank you for being someone who could understand, someone who cared. someone who was willing to make time! for that i can never thank you enough. although things have changed, you're truly still someone that i really treasure. thank you for being so honest, open with me, for trusting me, for being willing to share with me. thank you for the close friendship that we had, but yet one in which so many mistakes were made and we did have to pay. i'm sorry, and thank you. you're still, an awesome friend.

jayna,
my friendship with you is probably the longest close friendship i have had since entering megalife. you are, truly. an inspiration. i do still remember your sharing with me about your past, all the stuff you did. and i look at where you are today, and i'm truly amazed. how God works, how God works. and how God is working! thank you for having turned me to Jesus at times, and having been there at low moments in my life. continue to let God mould you, use you, change you. i trust that you'll grow to become the awesome shephard that God has called you to be:)

natalieyeo,
you're a really awesome heart, really humble, really God seeking and it's really. wow:) what strikes me most is really how humble you are, never seeking for self but really all for God. thanks for being a leader to me, thanks for being someone who believed in me, being someone who is always looking out for others. you've blessed my life in ways more than i could count! in many subtle ways too, some which i may not have noticed but in which you've left an impact on me:)

christabel,
thanks for always being so hyperactive and brightening everyone's day:) haha even though i do tease you about things like your height and stuff, you're someone i do look up to:) someone who always puts others before you, too. you, natalie and christie really have shown me the heart of servanthood which has really blessed me ever since we served together in P6 ministry last year. just that well, christie's the quietest, natalie's in between, and you're the loudest :P

christie,
fellow helper! well didn't really know you for like the past 1 year i've known you, started to get to know you just recently and yeah. it's been amazing:) you're someone who always manages to find positives in others, always sees the good in others. and you're really bubbly too, brightening many lives:) i believe you were the one who really led me to complete the season of change. your blog posts really impacted me greatly. cause yeah, from the way you wrote on your blog it really seemed like you were going through somewhat the same thing as i was only your attitude was different. only you chose to praise, only you chose to believe, only you chose to always look to God and that was what i needed to do. and when i did it, that really changed me. love your art too, it's really really awesome stuff:)

ryan chew,
you're someone who's really passionate in serving God. but one way in which you've blessed me so greatly is your humble heart. you're always humble, never seeking to see good in yourself but good in others. you're really nice, too! someone who makes people around you feel really good, really happy. it's been really great knowing you:) even though we always do stupid stuff and all with jasper, you really know when to be serious and when to be crazy. haha! thanks for being a friend man:)

jasper tan,
smallest kid amongst three of us. haha. you really seem older than you are man! physically and in terms of maturity level:) you're someone who's like ryan too, really humble and know when to be serious and when to have fun kinda thing. you're the sleepy head, you're the err. more reserved one amongst three of us. haha. but you've blessed me greatly:)

these are the people that i hold closely to my heart:) thank you all, for blessing me greatly at different seasons of my life. some in more seasons than one! you guys are awesome:)

to those who weren't mentioned, you guys have blessed me in many ways, too. thank you:).

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 14:45:31 GMT

JESUS you took me out of everything, You seemed to destroy everything i believed in, everything i had, people i loved. then You showed me back to You, gave me the chance to embrace and worship You, gave me the chance to find You again. and You've blessed me with greater abundance than i could ever ask for!:) i would never have imagined myself in this blessed position few months/weeks back. or even 1 week back!

thank you God:) blessed i am.

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 15:55:11 GMT

God has been faithful:) God has been so, so faithful.

i feel so tired now,really really tired. till the point where i can hear my breath. haha. deep and slow.. deep and slow.. deep and... snore!

HAHA but God has been faithful:) and i know i'm on the right path! it's been tough, so tough! but everyday's just been a new experience with God:)

new experience with God by meeting really God loving people, just talking to them or hearing from them.

on friday after school! before i met up with the guys i went to check out christie's art exhibition. the art was BEAUTIFUL i tell you. it's like marc's standard. only they're younger than me, haha! wow man. they're like a billion gazillion times better than me! but what striked me more was the way she interacts with people:) you can really tell there's something that's different about her. she's someone who really catches the positives in others:) if you see this, thank you christie!:)

then i met up with the guys! ryan and jasper. and i saw awesome hearts:) the stuff we did together, worshipping together, jamming together, all that. it was great:) it was great. these guys are awesome i tell you!:) every time i talk to them they really just show me something new.

and i believe they know how i appreciate them:)

there're so many more blessings in my life. really so many! i'm amazingly blessed.

but the greatest blessing of all, the set of which all other blessings are subsets of, is God:)

change me!

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 10:53:24 GMT

open the eyes of my heart Lord,
open the eyes of my heart.
i want to see You,
i want to see You.

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 16:31:04 GMT

I'M GONNA DO IT:D

turn ten rounds and spin around,
jump up and down and turn ten more rounds.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 00:06:38 GMT

it's been a period of.

difference:)

i've realised how it's truly impossible to have no problems. how it's impossible not to be sad, not to mourn.

but i've realised, too, how it's truly possible to look at all these with such a positive perspectives(:

it's been one crazy period. really bad comparatively. but thank God(: for i know He'll stay faithful.

i've felt the pain that God must've felt when i left Him, when His own child left Him. i've felt the pain of losing just friends, close friends yes, but still. not even family. so near, yet so far. God i'm so sorry. i know how i must've hurt You when i was always in your presence yet so far away. i understand, a little, of how you must've felt when you saw me everyday, when you saw me in church, but yet my heart was just turned away.

thank you Lord for granting me all these pain. without pain, i truly wouldn't have learnt so much:)

i still wish things were just as they were before. i miss so many people. i really, really miss them. heart aches so greatly whenever i just think about them.

but i know. i know.

that God is good,
and all things will follow in His time. :)

to all the people who see this last line,
Jesus loves you.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 12:43:39 GMT

crumbling under my own weight,

havent even started thinking about exams, friends, etc.

i don't know how long more i can go on like this.

i need change
or i need out

trust God.

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 04:46:13 GMT

i've realised how little i know about any of my friends.
realised how different everyone can be.
how everyone can change so greatly.

and i realised how little i know my God.

time to set my sights right, stop wasting time on people and start focussing on God. the only one who doesn't and will never fail.

there's just so much i can't say. things are, different.

but all in God's time.

all will be good.

"For i know the plans i have for you," declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future"

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 05:01:34 GMT

As little children
We would dream of Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys
We knew we'd find
But we never realized
A baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our lives

We were the reason
That He gave His life
We were the reason
That He suffered and died
To a world that was lost
He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by
We learned more about gifts
The giving of ourselves
And what that means
On a dark and cloudy day
A man hung crying in the rain
All because of love, all because of love

I've finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him
In all that I do every word that I say
I'll be giving my all just for Him, for Him

He is my reason to live

it's been long enough, time to wake up. stop hoping for things to change back, time to start again.
disappointments after disappointments have just left me with so many questions,
but i still believe in those that i keep close to my heart.

thank you Jesus for your love and grace. for all that you've done for me. i've realised what a disappointment i've been, and how you felt whenever i let you down.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 11:01:19 GMT

embracing change.

it's real tough huh. when everything shifts! but slowly, and surely, i know that things are looking so much better:) looking forward to the end of transition!(:

there's always a bright side to everything. and a brightless side. (HAHA BRIDE side and BRIDE-LESS side :P okay makes no sense but haha.)

Jesus has been a silent answer to everything i need :) i just know He's there. i can't feel like His holy presence falling in the place (during like services and church meetings and all). but i know that He is right beside us.

there's this real awesome guy in my class i wish everyone would get to know him. He doesn't come from a well off family. below average in terms of income. but he really strikes me as. a real awesome guy man:) really caring. compassionate. hardworking. and he's willing to share and go all out for everyone.

just one year ago school was a place where i just went to study, without noticing the good in others. i thought, real goodness can only be found in christian friends. but honestly. i'm really starting to notice how we always complain about how bad the 'world' is and how everyone else needs Jesus when we ourselves when we're sitting down there in service listening to the preacher don't realise how much more we need Jesus in our lives. to bring acceptance. love. to bring all that you need.
of course i'm not saying everyone does. but many do. many need to continually rediscover Jesus everyday of their lives.

Hitler was a Christian. A Christian obsessed with eliminating Jews just because they seemed to be the impure race. Christians have always been against Jews. and they do have their reasons. the Jews hung Jesus on that cross. but Jesus was a Jew too.

millions of Christians all around the world. have gone against the word of God and have been hypocrites in their actions and their words. and yet they don't even recognise it.

love your neighbour as yourself.

comes up racial supremacy.

honour your father and mother.

comes Beyond Parental Control (BPC)

do not covet your neighbour's assets.

comes indulgences sold by the Church. of which some of the money was used to compete with other Churches.

we as Christians. we really need to wake up. we need to start looking to Jesus.

i'm gonna wake up. i've finally looked in the mirror.

and in the end, all will be good:)

our God reigns.

thank you jonathanng, dorotheawong, jaynatan, fangyechan, rohangupta. :)

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 14:23:17 GMT

thank God for the awesome things He has blessed me with recently!(: i've never felt so happy in the presence of God before(:

school's awesome. really awesome!(:

well my grades aren't that good, but thank God that i even get my grades!(:

work's been crazy past few weeks, but thank God that i've managed to get through it well!(: and thank God that i've work to complete and hand up(:

memories of the really recent huge mistakes i've made recently really came back to me. and honestly i felt really disappointed with myself, things like betraying trust.
but well i take it as a lesson learnt(: painful, but it's definately changed me. honesty's the best policy! thank God for wonderful friends and family that've always stood by me even though i've hurt them in one way or another time and again.

i've been.. "studying" people more intensely recently. and i've realised how much God is able to show you when you just stop and take notice(: i've always thought that certain stuff that came my way were really bad, but when some share with me, even my classmates, and i see the look in their eyes and the hurt in the words they use and their voice. i feel really so idiotic for wallowing in the small stuff that i face. haha. but of course different people face different challenges, with all equallly tough to each. and yeah i just wanna be able to stay positive and praise God no matter what the circumstance:)

and you know what since i'm in a good mood! haha :P people i wanna mention :)

cheng sin,
thank you for trusting me man. i know you'll never see this. haha. but i know you. you are really like me in some ways. i just pray that you'll always turn to God man. enough of turning to people yeah, enough of turning to yourself. turn to God. you've been a huge blessing to me bro(:

abby,
old older sister. haha. thank you for being a real inspiration to me, a role model that i really look up to. i see how you hunger for God and all, it really just makes me wanna yearn for more :) stuff's happened before, but thank you for always forgiving me and accepting me. :) and i still wish you'd marry my bro ): haha! yeah. thank you big sis(:

yuan jing,
super retarded guy who sits next to me. haha. you've really brightened my life bro, with your crazy laughter. even though i do get irritated at you some times.. haha but thanks for being a real nice guy to be around with. and i'm sure the rest of the class would agree. :)

:) just three mentioned, but i really appreciate everyone. really:) you all have been huge blessings to me. worthless blessings :) (too valuable haha)

jae.
i believe in You, God(:

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 09:58:37 GMT

i really wished that things could turn out differently.

after 3/4 of a year, i know i'm slowly going back to where i started. not far off now, just need to find back the mask. it seems to be the best option now. square one doesn't look that bad. at least i know there i'm safe.

i'm just floating around now. haha. there was so much to live for then, but now everything's disappeared. i know i'll find my direction again sometime soon.

i decided to go for superlife service worship segment again. and things just felt different. i don't know. i just felt so far away..
same in the adult service. things have just changed so greatly. i just hope that this phase will pass soon. it should.

central 3.
it's been different. for better or worse i don't know. it seems to be both. but i know that God's hand is definately over our cell. everything will be alright. i love every single person in central 3. it's an awesome cell. but yet, i somehow have a feeling that central 3 may not be where i belong. i hope it's just my imagination. but yeah. i don't know. hopefully everything would clear up soon.i don't know where i belong.

blessings are abundant. i'm so sorry that it's been so difficult to appreciate these blessings in my life.
marc, zac, mum, dad, abby, ming, ryan, sherwyn, dorothea, vic, heather, charmaine, alisa, huiting, joshua, ernest, cheng sin, jovan, yuan jing, arthur, gupta. thank you all.

most of all. thank you God. for the people mentioned above who have been keeping me going when every step was just so difficult to take. thank you for providing friends who care, even though they may never know.

i lay down the one thing i value the most.
friends.

God, you take control.
i can't do it anymore. but through You, all things are possible.

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 12:40:32 GMT

to those who are in need of a word,

go.

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 10:12:38 GMT

"thank you"

and i was thrown into a cold, empty room.

etched on the walls were images. blood-stained images that could not be washed off. the carvings were so real. were so perfect. perfect pieces of art.

those were the memories i had.

locked in those cold, endless pits.

and i experienced how it felt like to have my face burn again.

no one heard my cries. not that i really expected them to, anymore.

the hands that once helped to pull me out were now full.

it was just me. and the world. and a God whom just seems so far away.

i tried to draw closer to the one who could heal. the only one left. but i was wrenched to the ground by scar filled hands. i did the only thing i knew how to do. i ran away.

but until the day light enters that room.

everything else will remain.

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 03:40:13 GMT

for now

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 13:25:59 GMT

i do not deserve
what a jerk i've been
i despise myself

thank God for God
but i still don't know what to do